“So you think that you’re a failure, do you? Well, you probably are. What’s wrong with that? In the first place, if you’ve any sense at all you must have learned by now that we pay just as dearly for our triumphs as we do for our defeats. Go ahead and fail. But fail with wit, fail with grace, fail with style. A mediocre failure is as insufferable as a mediocre success. Embrace failure! Seek it out. Learn to love it. That may be the only way any of us will ever be free.”
~Tom Robbins
I have officially entered my second semester of junior year of nursing school, a.k.a the semester from Hell.
This semester my critical thinking skills and nursing brain will be challenged to recall all the past knowledge I have learned in two and a half years to make accurate decisions related to a patient’s health status and treatment. I will be tested on various nursing skills and expected to perform them on real patients by the end of the semester. My cohort has been told by the end of the semester we will feel like real nurses… if we make it to the end.
I have built up a large amount of anxiety prior to starting this semester. Just talking about it makes me upset. Too often nursing school feels like a competition. A majority of nursing students have a terrible habit of comparing themselves to others in their cohort. We think, “Well I got a B on the exam and she got an A so obviously I am a failure and will never be a good nurse.” A little twisted don’t you think? But this is exactly what causes most of my anxiety. The doubt and questioning so easily creep into my thoughts. Will I ever make it through school? What the hell am I doing? Am I making a mistake? Should I really be a nurse? Do I deserve to be a nurse? I constantly doubt my level of intelligence and competence. Not only do we as nursing students compare ourselves, but some tear down others in order to stay on top. So much for the feeling of “We’re all in this together.”
Failing my microbiology class freshman year did not get nursing school off to a great start. Just so you know, a failing grade in nursing school is a C-. Being a naïve 18 year-old coming into college I underestimated the amount of studying and preparation I needed to do for the class and failed. I was able to take the class again and successfully passed but still feel I struggle with school more than my fellow peers. I spent the summer between freshman and sophomore year reevaluating if being a nurse was what I wanted and if I could make it to graduation. Very few knew how serious I was about possibly dropping my major.
I asked myself why I wanted to be a nurse. I have always had an innate drive to help others. I wanted a career that could make an impact on someone’s life. I wanted to be a nurse because I wanted to help people physically and mentally during some of the most challenges times of their life. Maybe this drive came from being raised in a Catholic home or having parents that instilled in me the values of compassion, understanding, and hope. I also had a lot of personal experiences in the hospital. My younger sister Bridget was diagnosed with leukemia when she was 3 years old and has a long list of various medical issues. I accompanied her and my mom to many doctors’ appointments when we were younger. We met and became friends with many nurses along the way. Despite the hospital being a scary place I felt a sense of comfort in the presence a nurse. At the age of 10 I was diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes and Bridget began accompanying me to my appointments. My experiences created a curiosity for biology and all things related to the medical field. I loved every science class I took growing up and I was lucky to have many brilliant science teachers (shout out to my 2nd grade and high school science teachers). Despite thinking I wanted to be a veterinarian for part of my childhood I always knew in the back of my mind I would end up being a nurse.
I came to the conclusion after that long summer I could not give up on a dream so easily and continued nursing school. I have continued to struggle with many of my classes but have made it to my third year. I consistently have to remind myself I wouldn’t have made it here if I wasn’t intelligent or knowledgeable. I deserve to be here. But it’s much easier to say that than to truly believe it. I am always fighting off fear, doubt, and insecurity of my ability to be a nurse. What am I so afraid of you may ask?
Failure.
I have a crippling, overwhelming, and dominating fear of failure. I am afraid of not only disappointing myself but all those who have helped me along the way to get to where I am now. I am afraid to have all my hard work add up to nothing. I am afraid of wasting my parents’ money they have put towards my expensive education. I am afraid I am making a mistake. I am so afraid. I have learned to control these emotions and have found ways to shove them down deep inside so I can focus on what I am working towards. But it’s always there, waiting for the perfect moment when I am so exhausted and vulnerable that it can rise up and consume me.
I came across the Tom Robbins quote above a few days ago. It resonated with me and I have been holding onto it for dear life ever since. It has reminded me that it is ok to fail. It is ok to not do everything perfect the first time. Failure does not define a person’s character. What defines one’s character is how they recover from failure and use their experience to push forward. My dad once told me, “What do you call a nurse who got a C in nursing school… a nurse.” It has been said before but I will say it again, failure is apart of life. Fear of failure keeps us from pursuing what we really want or making ourselves vulnerable in order to achieve our goals. What has subconsciously driven me these past few years is my desire to be a nurse and make a difference. It was so strong that I didn’t even realize it had already overcome my fear of failure. I could have easily dropped out of this program freshman year. All I had to do was sign a couple papers and that would have been the end of my possible nursing career. We cannot let the fear of failure stop us from doing what we want in life or keeping us from the things that will fulfill our purpose. Yes, we will most likely fail at some point in our lives but it won’t kill you, I promise. Learn from failures and move on. That is how we will achieve what we truly want. That is how I will become a registered nurse.
~Cait
at the threshold 