Hi, hello, how’s it going?
Yes I am still here. I have the typical excuse for not being present; I’ve been busy. But I really did not intend to be away for so long. These past few months I retreated within myself. I was caught up in many of the events going on around me, I did not take time to sit and process it all.
My senior year of undergraduate education has begun and from the moment it began I quickly found myself consumed with my studies. I avoided thinking of this as my final fall semester as an undergrad, my final steps to becoming a registered nurse, my final days of being at the threshold of adulthood but not quite through the door.
“When everything is stuck in the periphery we need something to center us, be that an outlying focal point that is reliable, or an overarching through-line that identifies the interconnectedness of the surrounding blur. In the search for a center we reach out not only to people, activities and places, but also inward, to interact with the ways we express experience.” ~Dear Reader
Chloë read to me our first blog post “Dear Reader…” shortly after we returned to school after having not read it for almost a year. It so clearly articulated what I had felt the past few months but had not been able to recall the words for. I had been unable to put my words down on paper because I felt pulled in so many directions but nothing was grounding me. Even after re-reading the post, I still struggled to find something, anything to bring me back down again. My words came with great difficulty; my thoughts had no shape or form. It has taken me until now to be able to begin to write again. My words still don’t sound quite the same, but perhaps that comes with change.
Before this turns into an angst ridden post causing you to walk away feeling a little more down than when you first started reading, there is light at the end of the tunnel. Entering senior year I received my question such as/similar to, “What are you doing after graduation?” “What kind of nurse do you want to be?” “Where do you want to live?” “Are you going to leave California?” “Are you going to move in with your boyfriend?” “Are you going to get engaged?” I gave answers that had no relation to how I was actually feeling or completely avoided them all together. I felt embarrassed that I did not have “a plan” or knew what I wanted. It seemed I should. Why else would everyone be asking me?
After taking a step back from all the inquiries and starting my semester I realized it was okay not to have a concrete plan. Plans are good sometimes but life changes, shit happens. I did however think about what I wanted to walk away with from this year. I hope to strengthen the bonds and create sustainable relationships that will continue in our lives after college. I hope to experience new parts of San Francisco that I have not had the chance to and enjoy what may be my last few months in this city. I hope to conquer nursing school and graduate in May. I hope to discover what field of nursing I am most drawn to. I hope to end nursing school feeling prepared and confident in beginning my career. I hope to bring back some things in my life that I had set aside these past few months (writing and photography mostly). Overall, I hope to continue to grow and prepare for the next phase coming in my life.
Here’s to making the most of senior year.
“So we are here, together on new feet, holding close to our hearts all the chapters, people, and qualities that have recently heard us say goodbye. We may set them aside for now and see them for the endings that they are, but we are excited for this new beginning and move into it with a sense of nostalgia and energy.”
~Cait
at the threshold 